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JagerPress' one liner blog, send yours to Jokers and if we think it's better than ours (which isn't very hard) we will post it here with your name (we can make it annoymous if you like though).

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Click below the "bad joke" to reveal the answer

How would an alien from a distant galaxy explain Hamlet’s famous quote if it only obtained that specific play on audio, a Zoological text book and Sigmund Freud’s notes?

As a description of someone having an identity crisis between themselves and a pollinating flying insect.

What is the easist way to create thermal energy?

Take the extreme parts of political parties, left and right, and reuse the bullsh*t they make up to produce useful heat.

What are windmill farm industrial strikes called?

Gales.

How would beavers deal with the current housing crisis?

They would give a big damn about it!

What is the best toothpaste for elephants?

Aninternationalbanonselling&buyingivory

What does an Irish robot ask for at the bar on a Friday night out?

AI and a bottle of rum.

How would a chief executive of an oil firm define a windmill?

As a serious danger to wildlife.

Why did the dimmer bulb fail its exam?

Because it’s not very bright.

My roofer is also an electrician. In his free time he writes poems and takes part in MC battles. What do you think his stage name is?

DC Tiles, it was initially AC/DC Tiles but he never liked the idea of copying other artists and he also knew that the alternative current is inefficient, unlike his rhymes.

Who are Mr and Mrs Clouds' longstanding broadband provider?

Sky

What’s the snowman’s nickname on a desert island?

Drinking water

Why are dinosaurs the foundation of comedy?

Because they are the ancestors of the chicken that crossed the road.

What do you call a chairmaker who can only make seats after a heavy night out?

Legless!

What's the best way to ignore people in the 21st Century?

Wear noise cancelling headphones.

How do you negotiate between a sparrow and a worm?

You refill the bird feeder.

What’s the similarity between a cigar and a piece of salmon?

They are both smoked.

What are slopey line charts called?

Normal.

Who writes about wooden cars?

Car-Pen-ters

What is the name of a plumber's best mate?

Wrench.

How was the beekeeper discovered in the mafia?

Because he was part of a sting operation.

Which book did search engines kill first?

The English Dictionary.

How do hairdressers fix problems?

They just brush them away!

What do you do if someone tries to mug you for your shoes?

You can tell them that they can put a sock in it!

Why did the tyre make an appointment with the pyschiatrist?

Because it felt a bit flat.

Why are mosses often discriminated against in garden parties?

Because they have no roots.

How did Geoffrey Chaucer prefer to hunt?

He would shake-his-spear.

What do you call a photosynthetic microorganism that counts very well?

An algae-rhythm.

What do you call a lawyer who specilises on hot beverage law?

A barista solicitor.

What can you most blame for your dirty washing?

That's easy, social media.

What do you call a fish that is always late for work?

A damp squid.

How many thieves can you arrest for robbing a banana farm?

That would depend on how many of these thieves can identy themseleves as monkeys.

When is ice not frozen?

On the weekend when it can just chill.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?

To get a new case for their firm.

What's the difference between magicians and politicians?

They both use empty gestures as tools of their profession, however magicians use them to entertain their audience where as politicians use them to mislead theirs.

What is the best and most accurate insult you can give to a black hole?

You suck!!!

How do progressive honey bees tell the rest of the hive where they have found a new source of pollen?

Just like any normal honeybee does which is called a waggle dance, this tells the rest of the honeybees (or hive) where they can find this new source, but progressive honeybees dance backgrounds to demonstrate their individual identity. Unfortunately this causes confusion with rest of the honey bees and a massive reduction in honey storage over the winter and therefore the quick extinction of the progressive honey bee as they starve with the rest of their hive. Zoologists theorise that the progressive honey bee is a redundant part of the evolution of the honey bee’s hive mind.

How do flowers party?

They bloom.

How does a rugby team win a football match?

They've just got to try.

What is the professional name for dreamers in the deconstruction industry?

Dozers.

What did one mirror say to the opposite mirror?

"I see we have similar views of each other."

What do you get if you cross a LCD Bulb and a failing maths class?

A brighter and a greener dropout rate.

What happened when Mr and Mrs Smith rented a duck for the day?

It gave them his bill.

Why are whales always ignored?

Because they’re just a bunch of blow holes.

What happens when a lion crosses a zebra crossing?

Lunch.

Why was the skeleton dismissed by the judge?

Because there was no"body" to blame for the crime.

What is a classic film for beavers?

"The Dam Busters".

What do you call a plant that walks?

A herbitrot.

What nickname do you give to an electric safety engineer who's an amateur two-hundred meter hurdler?

Trip.

What do you call last orders on Mars?

Lift off!

How many legs can a blind octopus count?

7, because it's countining all the others with the 8th.

How do eskimos build their houses?

They igloo them together.

What is an alien's best dance move?

The Moon Walk!

Why did the fox cross the road?

So it could catch the chicken!

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What did Mr Kettle say to Jack Tetley when he found him cheating on his maths test?

“You’re now going to find yourself in some serious hot water!!!”

How many leprechauns do you need to change a light bulb??

None, they’ve got Irish luck so the bulb never needs to be changed

Why does the colour orange sometimes feel a bit blue?

Because it goes slightly yellow when it goes out wIth red

Why did the alien get a ticket for it's spacecraft?

Because it's warp drive broke Newtons' Second Law.

Why are icebergs always lonely?

Because they’ve been frozen out.

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  What profession is more lightly to know if their going to have a sunnier or a gloomier day at work today?

A weather presenter.

What is a giraffe’s favourite internet browser?

Safari

What do you call a homeless turtle?

Shell shocked

What part of a meal does a camel like the most?

The desert





Smartass Publishers Team








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